I first and foremost want to apologize for my absence. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life. My heart is filled with absolute sadness.
The man that I have loved (for many years) and I have decided to part ways. He is a narcissist and I was duped. I know ultimately, this is for the best. We are COMPLETE opposites and while opposites do attract, they also can, and generally do, implode.
When I say complete opposites I mean: he smokes weed, I do not; he doesn't work, I do; he sleeps until 11:00AM, I'm up at 6:30AM; he believes respect is obligatory, I believe its earned; he thinks he gets points because "he never even cheated on me" and and I think there simply are no words for that statement. Ultimately, he stole from me and that was the last straw.
And honestly, the list goes on and on. I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago and ignored it. I wanted to avoid the "icky" part of breaking up - the painful, gut wrenching, ache that you feel when you hurt.
Over past 5 years I have lost both of my parents, divorced my husband of 2o-some years, watched my daughter go through a horrible addiction and took custody of my grandson. All while working and raising my other children. I couldn't stand the thought of losing One. More. Person.
But now I have.
I'm on the other side of the "icky" part, still feeling the sting but not crying every 20 minutes. It just sucks.
I am blessed with great kids, great friends and family and a strong will to survive - which I will.
For all of you struggling in a relationship, life is short. Do what you need to do to be happy. Even if that means in the short run, you have to be uncomfortable. Every day I feel a little bit better and stronger.
In the meantime, I will simply trust that this is what I must do. That the universe knows what's best. It's a process.
Peace and Love.
I recently came across the following article on my computer. I must have saved it several years ago. It resonates very deeply with me right now as I am going through some changes in my current relationship. Although we aren't married (THANK GOD) it still applies.
The Role of the Man in the Family
According to Dr. Phil, if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren't aware of.
Most men believe that being a good provider means supporting a family financially. It means much more than that. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family. In order to do this, he must recognize that there are other currencies, in addition to money, that need to be provided.
This means more than beating up the guy next door if he insults your wife. It means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth as well as your children's. It can also mean protecting your way of life and guarding against any threats to the things that you and your family value.
Instead of waiting for your wife to take the initiative when you are having problems, take the lead. Get in the game and create what you want in your family instead of whining about your family situation. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It's a 100/100 partnership. That means you give 100 percent. And remember, you get what you give.
What are you teaching those around you — especially your children — with your behavior? It's important to provide a good example for your children, loved ones and community with both words and deeds. Set high standards and teach by doing.
Let's point by point analyze my current relationship, shall we?
1. A Provider ~ well............not so much. He actually doesn't contribute to the household monetarily. Our deal was for him to take care of the house and lawn, be around for the kids (who are 12 & 16) and cook, clean, etc since I work full time.
In the beginning, he did some cooking and cleaning. Recently, its sporatic. And he doesn't interact with the kids in a positive way at all unless forced.
2. A Protector ~ he succeeds at this in the sense that I know we're safe with him at the house. But only in that particular area.
3. A Leader ~ he wants to be the leader. He also wants everyone to respect him. However, rather than earning it, he demands it.
4. A Teacher ~ he wants to also be a teacher but I'm not entirely certain I want my kids to learn what he has to share.
So here I am, at 40-something, ready to start over again. Sigh. But after a year and 1/2 with nothing really changing, what choice do I have?
Tell me, what would you do?
The Thanksgiving dinner we had with our kids (all but 1) went well on Saturday. In attendance were my four kids, two with spouses and my 3 grandkids and one of my boyfriends sons. His younger son who is 17 really doesn't seem to want to interact with all of the other kids, even though one of my sons is almost the same age. We actually have a hard time getting him to come to our house. I have yet to figure out exactly why - could be because he's 17 and is doing his own thing or it could be that he's angry that his dad isn't with his mother. Either way, he was missed.
This has been a difficult task, trying to integrate two families. There were and occassionally still are, moments where I'm not so certain we're going to make it. Our parenting styles are completely different. I'm very passive - he's rather militant. I like to discuss - he likes to command. I hug - he barks. We both love these kids with all of our hearts though.
Over the past year, we've each learned from the other, been pissed at each other but have continued to stand side-by-side and parent our family. The kids, for the most part, haven't made it very easy. My kids don't respond well to barking. His kids don't like that my kids don't respond well to barking. And so the story goes............BUT they're all starting to come around. It just takes time, like all things.
I do have to say that this man has endured quite a bit of crap from my kids (both the grown ones and the 2 that live with us) and their father. My boyfriend VERY VERY clearly loves me and them. I'm not so sure I would have been able to tough it out like he has. I would have run far, far away.
Today, as I sit and think about my blessings, I am so very thankful for these kids (grown, little, adopted, acquired, etc.) who make up our little blended, somewhat disfunctional family. I love them all. I can only hope that when they look back on these times, they remember how much we love them and that we did the best we could to give them a sense of family. I can't imagine my life without them all in it.
Have a peaceful, family filled, wonderful Thanksgiving my soul sisters!!!
Peace and love!!!