I recently came across the following article on my computer. I must have saved it several years ago. It resonates very deeply with me right now as I am going through some changes in my current relationship. Although we aren't married (THANK GOD) it still applies.
The Role of the Man in the Family
According to Dr. Phil, if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren't aware of.
Most men believe that being a good provider means supporting a family financially. It means much more than that. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family. In order to do this, he must recognize that there are other currencies, in addition to money, that need to be provided.
This means more than beating up the guy next door if he insults your wife. It means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth as well as your children's. It can also mean protecting your way of life and guarding against any threats to the things that you and your family value.
Instead of waiting for your wife to take the initiative when you are having problems, take the lead. Get in the game and create what you want in your family instead of whining about your family situation. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It's a 100/100 partnership. That means you give 100 percent. And remember, you get what you give.
What are you teaching those around you — especially your children — with your behavior? It's important to provide a good example for your children, loved ones and community with both words and deeds. Set high standards and teach by doing.
Let's point by point analyze my current relationship, shall we?
1. A Provider ~ well............not so much. He actually doesn't contribute to the household monetarily. Our deal was for him to take care of the house and lawn, be around for the kids (who are 12 & 16) and cook, clean, etc since I work full time.
In the beginning, he did some cooking and cleaning. Recently, its sporatic. And he doesn't interact with the kids in a positive way at all unless forced.
2. A Protector ~ he succeeds at this in the sense that I know we're safe with him at the house. But only in that particular area.
3. A Leader ~ he wants to be the leader. He also wants everyone to respect him. However, rather than earning it, he demands it.
4. A Teacher ~ he wants to also be a teacher but I'm not entirely certain I want my kids to learn what he has to share.
So here I am, at 40-something, ready to start over again. Sigh. But after a year and 1/2 with nothing really changing, what choice do I have?
Tell me, what would you do?
So, you love an addict. You think you can change them. You whole heartedly believe that your "love" will make them want to change.
Let me tell you why ~
1. Their addiction will ALWAYS come first. Whatever they do, including trying to behave for you, revolves around their addition. They will "act" like they're ok to throw you off about what is really going on. Listen to me - IT IS AN ACT. It is one that they have repeated throughout their lives to get what they want - their fix (alcohol, drugs, etc).
Once again, it is an act. Unless they check themselves into rehab, they're NOT trying to get better and they don't want to get better.
2. They will lie, cheat and steal from you EVERY TIME. When you begin to think they're getting better and let your guard down, they will lie, cheat and steal from YOU - the person who is trying to help them.
I want you to think about that. You are trying to help them and they are bascially flipping you off and laughing at you while they F**K you over.
They know, because you are a good person (which you have repeatedly pointed out to them) that you probably won't just walk away.
What should you do then?
WALK AWAY.....no better yet, sprint away.
Here is what is going to happen if you don't:
~ Your friends and family will get sick of it. They've tried to tell you whats happening but you continually make EXCUSES for the addict. If you're lucky, when all is said and done, you'll still have a few people standing by you. Some aren't that lucky - the addict tries to drive everyone else in your life away.
Don't let them.
~ The addict will literally drain you - emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. You will eventually just be too tired to fight it.
Is that truly how you want to live? Do you want to spend the rest of your life parked in that particular rut?
I don't - life is too short as it is.
So, what can you do?
First, you have to be done with it. YOU have to be done with it - not your friends or family - YOU.
It's going to be difficult to end it because you're going to feel guilty (there's that damn word again). It's going to hurt, you're going to be sad but you have to remove yourself from the addict. Period. You need to save yourself - they're not going to.
If they decide to go get help, good. Make them prove it - make them show you that they intend to work on it. But don't let them back into your life until they follow through. They'll make all kinds of promises (because thats just what they do). Actions speak louder than words.
You also need help. Go see a counselor, talk to your pastor, read a few books. One of my favorites is "Co-dependent No More" (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454945465&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more+by+melody+beattie)
The bottom line is that you are only going to continue to get hurt. You need to step away and take care of YOU.
Peace and Love