I first and foremost want to apologize for my absence. This has been one of the most difficult months of my life. My heart is filled with absolute sadness.
The man that I have loved (for many years) and I have decided to part ways. He is a narcissist and I was duped. I know ultimately, this is for the best. We are COMPLETE opposites and while opposites do attract, they also can, and generally do, implode.
When I say complete opposites I mean: he smokes weed, I do not; he doesn't work, I do; he sleeps until 11:00AM, I'm up at 6:30AM; he believes respect is obligatory, I believe its earned; he thinks he gets points because "he never even cheated on me" and and I think there simply are no words for that statement. Ultimately, he stole from me and that was the last straw.
And honestly, the list goes on and on. I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago and ignored it. I wanted to avoid the "icky" part of breaking up - the painful, gut wrenching, ache that you feel when you hurt.
Over past 5 years I have lost both of my parents, divorced my husband of 2o-some years, watched my daughter go through a horrible addiction and took custody of my grandson. All while working and raising my other children. I couldn't stand the thought of losing One. More. Person.
But now I have.
I'm on the other side of the "icky" part, still feeling the sting but not crying every 20 minutes. It just sucks.
I am blessed with great kids, great friends and family and a strong will to survive - which I will.
For all of you struggling in a relationship, life is short. Do what you need to do to be happy. Even if that means in the short run, you have to be uncomfortable. Every day I feel a little bit better and stronger.
In the meantime, I will simply trust that this is what I must do. That the universe knows what's best. It's a process.
Peace and Love.
I recently came across the following article on my computer. I must have saved it several years ago. It resonates very deeply with me right now as I am going through some changes in my current relationship. Although we aren't married (THANK GOD) it still applies.
The Role of the Man in the Family
According to Dr. Phil, if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren't aware of.
Most men believe that being a good provider means supporting a family financially. It means much more than that. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family. In order to do this, he must recognize that there are other currencies, in addition to money, that need to be provided.
This means more than beating up the guy next door if he insults your wife. It means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth as well as your children's. It can also mean protecting your way of life and guarding against any threats to the things that you and your family value.
Instead of waiting for your wife to take the initiative when you are having problems, take the lead. Get in the game and create what you want in your family instead of whining about your family situation. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It's a 100/100 partnership. That means you give 100 percent. And remember, you get what you give.
What are you teaching those around you — especially your children — with your behavior? It's important to provide a good example for your children, loved ones and community with both words and deeds. Set high standards and teach by doing.
Let's point by point analyze my current relationship, shall we?
1. A Provider ~ well............not so much. He actually doesn't contribute to the household monetarily. Our deal was for him to take care of the house and lawn, be around for the kids (who are 12 & 16) and cook, clean, etc since I work full time.
In the beginning, he did some cooking and cleaning. Recently, its sporatic. And he doesn't interact with the kids in a positive way at all unless forced.
2. A Protector ~ he succeeds at this in the sense that I know we're safe with him at the house. But only in that particular area.
3. A Leader ~ he wants to be the leader. He also wants everyone to respect him. However, rather than earning it, he demands it.
4. A Teacher ~ he wants to also be a teacher but I'm not entirely certain I want my kids to learn what he has to share.
So here I am, at 40-something, ready to start over again. Sigh. But after a year and 1/2 with nothing really changing, what choice do I have?
Tell me, what would you do?
I know, I know, its 20 degrees out. But I wanted to post this as an example of something I do for myself (when its a tad warmer). To me, lying in a hammock is as luxurious as taking a bubble bath or getting a massage. And being able to have this view is a bonus!
First, you need to decide that it's ok to take some time for yourself. It will feel uncomfortable - push through that feeling. You deserve some "me time". We all do. It took me a long time to realize and accept that it was ok. I've actually gotten rather good at it!
So what five things can you do for yourself right now that don't cost a mint and won't take you hours?
#1. Take a bath
Seems simple enough but what I really mean is, send the kids with your husband, turn on some music, light some candles, put a cup of epsom salt and 2 drops of lavendar oil in the tub and go soak. If you don't want to listen to music, pick up a book and start reading. You need to spend some time in the tub and really, REALLY relax.
#2. Read a book
Ok, you can't sneak away to the tub. Grab a book and head to your bedroom. Or carry a book with you to work and find a place to read for 20 to 30 minutes a day. Losing yourself in a story is a great way to destress. My favorite indulgence these days is listening to audiobooks. Check out www.audible.com to see what they have. I think you'll be surprised. I find that there are times when I can't silence my mind enough to focus on reading a book but listening to a book is a whole different experience.
Do you enjoy crafting but never have the time to indulge in it? I keep a skein of yarn, a pattern and a crochet hook on my night stand. The satisfaction of making progress on a project is emence even if it is slight progress. I love to crochet - as a matter of fact, I have a yarn addiction. I also love to sew but my sewing machine is too big for my night stand! ;) JoAnn Fabric, Craftsy and Pinterest have great, free projects.
#4. Go shopping
ALONE. Enough said. Ok - not enough. Go somewhere other than Walmart or the grocery store. Go to a craft store or that little gift shop you don't dare to take the kids in. Wander around - you don't have to buy anything - just enjoy yourself.
#5. Purchase an exercise video (and actually use it)
It doesn't have to be a complicated workout video. You need something to get your body moving. A beginner yoga video or a stretching video. Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and get up a couple of times a week to do the video.
The bottom line is this: You are important. You do a ton of things for everyone else every day without complaint. You run yourself ragged. Take some time this weekend and do one thing for yourself. It will invigorate you. At first, it will really be uncomfortable taking the time away from everyone else. Just push through the feeling and sink into the tub of water. It will be fine - it will be better than fine - IT WILL BE FANTASTIC!
Happy Friday Soul Sisters!!!!
The following is one of my all-time favorite questions.
WHAT are you here to do?
I've always said I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think I said it again last week.......
How is it that some people simply know their calling and others struggle with it? As long as I can remember, the one thing I wanted to be was a mother. Well, with two kids out of the house and another two on their way out within the next few years, what do I want to do with the rest of my life?
Oh, I know you never really stop mothering - it just changes - you aren't needed with the same intensity. And you eventually get to grandparent (which, by the way, IS WONDERFUL).
I guess I always thought there would be some sort of sign; a defining "AHA" moment in which it would all come to me. There hasn't been. So I look at the 5 things that I do each week that make me happy.....as suggested by Joe Vitale in "The Ultimate Law of Attraction" (available on www.audible.com or www.amazon.com). Joe states that one or all of those things could be your calling.
My five things are: yoga, reading, writing, cooking and mothering. Which of these are my calling? And how do I transform it into a career or what I'm meant to do? Hmmmm.....I'll have to get back to you on that one. I'm still working on it!! But I WILL figure it out!
So tell me, what are YOU, my soul sisters, here to do?
Peace & Love! Have a wonderful week.
What Are You Here To Do
By Jim Warda
What are you here to do?
O.K., so that question might have caught you off guard but off guard can be a great place to start.
So, again, I'm curious. What are you here to do?
The thing that, when you think about being it, you almost catch fire.
Because I've been noticing your wild eyes lately. In fact, I had meant to tell you earlier. But, somehow life got its hands on me.
But, the truth is that I've seen your restlessness, the way you just can't seem to get comfortable, like sitting in a leather chair with shorts on.
And I've heard your fingers tapping against the railing as you make your way down the stairs. And you're humming a song from a high school play you never tried out for.
And I know that look. The one that means you're getting clear on who and what and why you want to do what you're going to do with your life. And even more definite about the fact that you're intended for a quest, a quixotic blaze of goodness and glory.
So, please let me know, what is it? What gifts are you going to gift us with? What tales will you tell with your lips and your song?
What chills your skin with the thought of just doing it? What widens your eyes simply by saying it? I'm so excited that I just can't contain myself.
And, you know how impatient I can be, so I'll just ask again.
What are you here to do?
Oh, and I almost forgot.
Are you doing it?